If your dog knew English, according to “The Dog Show,” they would have some choice words for you about playing fetch (“if you want the ball so much, why do you keep throwing it?”), and about taking  baths (“I would think after like 20 times of watching me desperately trying to leap out of the sink while you rub some kind of bizarro lavender cream all over me, at some point you would take the hint.”) They would explain to you why they peed on your carpet (“I had a very good reason, which was that I had to pee and happened to be on the carpet at the time.”)

In “The Dog Show,” four human performers read monologues from music stands written by David Javerbaum (writer for “The Daily Show,” “Act of God” on Broadway) that purport to give the perspective of a wide variety of canines, with wildly uneven results – some funny, some sweet, some cloying.

The dogs vary by breed, personality, even by occupation and attainment: We hear from a seeing-eye dog, therapy dog, sled dog, Westminster Dog Show champion, a psychic dog that sniffs out people’s secrets (“You had a chocolate glazed donut and a large iced cafe mocha for breakfast last Wednesday.”) Lassie makes a cameo (“When I first got famous, I was a real bitch”—one of the mercifully few dog puns in the show.) Jordan Matthew Brown, who makes the most effort to act like a dog, portrays a German shepherd police dog named Rambo, addressing a group of recalcitrant youth: “I’m here to scare you straight, because I’ve seen this story before and I know how it ends. With my teeth around your legs and you spending the rest of your life in a cage, which is actually okay for a while, but then it gets old.”

I wondered during “The Dog Show,” which started 15 minutes late and seemed to be giving an off performance at the one I attended, how dogs would react. Dogs do have a sense of humor – Charles Darwin believed that – but it’s different from ours, hence the differing attitude toward dressing them up in funny costumes. (“It’s not funny and drives me nuts…Dogs are nudists”)

There was a dog at the Triad (a gimmick of the production is there is a pet seat for sale), but it seemed oblivious.

The Dog Show
Triad Theater through November 29
Running time: 75 minutes, no intermission
Tickets: $49.00 – $99.00.
Written by David Javerbaum
Directed by Richard Israel
Cast: Jordan Matthew Brown,Gizel Jimenez, Angela Reed, AJ Shively