He’s known as a playwright (“Jeffrey” and “I Hate Hamlet”) screenwriter (“Addams Family Values,” “In & Out”) novelist (Social Disease, I’ll Take It) and essayist (I Shudder, Fierce Pajamas), but Paul Rudnick is the unheralded Tweeter of the Trump family foibles. For those who don’t follow him, a selection below from January alone. Some are like mini-plays; some just draw blood.
Ivanka tweets: “The arrogance of the Elites is disgusting.” She’s shown here with all of her friends from what she calls “half the country”, as she promotes her new fragrance, Idiot Heiress, available now at bankrupt Trump hotels and casinos. “Smell the nepotism,” she whispers pic.twitter.com/Xs5h9Rq6Ej
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 28, 2020
Jared is ready to unveil his Top Secret Middle East Peace Plan. It includes: Jared’s Mom saying “Good effort!” Ivanka saying “Don’t judge!” Trump saying “We’re building a Wailing Wall!” Pompeo saying “Shut up! No questions!” And Lara Trump saying “Israel is the Cornhusker state!” pic.twitter.com/X7ILrjT9Ev
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 27, 2020
Ivanka says she”gave up my life to help Americans”; Eric says “Never before in American history” has a family received “more political harassment”; Melania says “I’m the most bullied person in the world.” Have any rich spoiled white people ever felt more sorry for themselves?
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 27, 2020
Space Force robot flight attendant Astra-2000 says, “My skirt becomes a tray table and my head is a flotation device. My Mom was a Roomba and my Dad is a broken printer. I’m programmed to do as little as possible and once I microwaved my hand. My brother is the inflatable slide” pic.twitter.com/GJuGJBxSIC
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 26, 2020
Plaid pants are flattering but sitting next to what’s left of Wilbur Ross helps any gal look years younger. Says Ivanka, “But my smile comes from my efforts to end women’s reproductive freedom, ignoring questions I don’t like, and looking blank until I randomly say the word ‘me'” pic.twitter.com/BfbAAxqOUJ
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 26, 2020
Despite many photos of them together, Don Jr claims he only met Lev Parnas at fundraisers and “thought he was Israeli.” Don adds, “I only met Eric once at my Dad’s third wedding and I saw Ivanka at a bar but I thought she was my Mom so I ran out. Melania? Is that French?” pic.twitter.com/0XpCUtrM7e
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 21, 2020
After reporters tried to question her about sweatshops, fraud and birtherism, Ivanka levitated, saying, “I’m a lovely angel. I exist in a golden realm and never read the comments after my speeches. When people boo I hear music. I’m fabric softener, valium and moonlight” pic.twitter.com/Cbr7IRU1tg
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 11, 2020
Following the example of Meghan and Harry, the Trump kids have issued a statement: “We’re stepping back from our duties as greedy opportunists to become full-time criminals without jobs, morals or chins. We hope to provide an example for demon spawn everywhere” #Meghan pic.twitter.com/QL57Cj9fXx
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 8, 2020
In the Trump orbit
Jeanine Pirro confesses, “When I interview Rudy I can’t keep my hands to myself – can you blame me? He smells like perjury, foot powder and dry rot – I get dizzy. And when he looks right at me and denies evidence on video – call me the next Mrs. Giuliani! Am I right, ladies?” pic.twitter.com/ihaBxqAyym
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 26, 2020
Steve Mnuchin called Greta Thunberg “a joke”, telling her to shut up until “she studies economics in college.” He added, “Once she forecloses on thousands of homes, marries a blonde half her age and requisitions government jets for a honeymoon the way I did, then I’ll listen” pic.twitter.com/kVPtFnvwD8
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 23, 2020
Stephanie Grisham says, “I do 3 jobs for one-third the salary.” Her jobs are: not holding press briefings or combing her hair, howling “It’s all lies!” instead of presenting facts, and calling her bed “my home office” and keeping a Dustbuster under the covers for Pringles crumbs pic.twitter.com/NjHEJh6JjB
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 25, 2020
Kellyanne demonstrating the terror that gripped her when she almost accidentally told the truth about Trump: “It was awful – I could feel myself starting to use the word ‘unhinged’ so I slapped myself, wrestled myself to the ground and made myself apologize. Bad Kellyanne!” pic.twitter.com/OcnWMnXory
— Paul Rudnick (@PaulRudnickNY) January 9, 2020
